Scientists say at least 2 billion dead bodies will be burned and converted into fossil fuels or carbon batteries
edited by O Society May 8, 2020
WASHINGTON—Saying there’s no way around it at this point, a coalition of scientists announced Friday approximately one-third of the world population must die to prevent wide-scale depletion of the planet’s resources—and that humankind needs to figure out immediately how it wants to go about killing off more than 2 billion members of its species.
Representing multiple fields of study, including ecology, agriculture, biology, and economics, the researchers told reporters facts are facts: Humanity has far exceeded its sustainable population size, so either one in three humans can choose how they want to die themselves, or there can be some sort of global government-mandated liquidation program—but either way, people simply have to start dying.
And soon, the scientists confirmed.
“I’m just going to level with you—the earth’s carrying capacity is no longer be able to keep up with population growth, and civilization will end unless large swaths of human beings are removed, so the question now is: How do we want to do this?” Cambridge University ecologist Dr. Edwin Peters said.
“Do we want to give everyone a number and implement a death by lottery system? Incinerate the nation’s children or elderly? Kill off an entire race of people? Give everyone a shotgun and let them sort it out for themselves? Suggestions?”
“Completely up to you,” Dr. Wu Han Sum added, explaining he and his colleagues are “open to whatever the Democratic process decides.”
“Unfortunately, we are well past the point of controlling our overpopulation through education, birth control, and the empowerment of women. In fact, we should probably just go ahead and kill 300 million women right off the bat, as they are the reproducers.”
Because the world’s population is expected to double before the end of the 21st century – an outcome that would lead to a considerable decrease in the availability of food, land, and water – researchers said, bottom line, it would be helpful if a lot of people choose to die willingly, the advantage being these volunteers could decide for themselves whether they wish to die slowly or quickly, painfully or peacefully, and so on based on their own identity and religious beliefs.
Additionally, the scientists noted in order to stop the destruction of global environmental systems in heavily populated regions, there’s no avoiding the reality half the world’s progeny is going to have to be sterilized.
“The longer we wait, the higher the number of deadwood who will have to die, so we might as well just get it over with,” said Dr. Chelsea Pepper, head of agricultural studies at Purdue University, and the leading proponent of a worldwide decide to death day, in which 2.3 billion people would kill themselves en masse at exactly the same time so no one has to go first.
“At this point, it’s merely a question of coordination. If we can get the populations of New York City, Los Angeles, Beijing, India, Europe, and Latin America to voluntarily off themselves at 6 p.m. EST on June 1, we can kill the people who actually need to be killed and the planet can finally start renewing its resources, thereby giving all the other species a chance to survive.”
Thus far, humanity is presented with a great variety of death options, among them, poisoning the world’s air supply with Lysol, picking one person per household to inject bleach in the privacy of his or her home, mass beheadings, and gathering 2.3 billion people all in one place and obliterating them with a single hydrogen bomb.
Sources confirmed if a death solution is not in place by May 31, the U.N., in the interest of preserving the human race, will mobilize its peacekeeping forces and gun down as many people as necessary.
“I don’t care how it happens, but a ton of Africans have to go, because by 2025, there’s no way the shithole continent will be able to feed itself,” said Dr. Henry Craig of the Population Research Institute. “And by my estimation, three babies wiil need to die for every septuagenarian, because their longer life expectancy means babies have the potential to release far more greenhouse gases going forward.”
While the majority of the world’s populace reportedly understands this is the only option left to save civilization, not all members of the human race are eager to die.
“I personally would rather live, but taking the long view, I can see how ensuring the survival of humanity and livinglbeings in general might be our best option now,” said Norwich, CT resident and father of three Jason Atkins. “I guess if we had it to do all over again, it would make sense to do a better job conserving the earth’s finite resources.”
“Hopefully, the people who remain on the planet will use the voluntary mass slaughter of their friends and loved ones as an incentive to be more responsible and like, pollute not so much going forward,” he added.